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writing by xXxGothicxAngelxXx

Pleasure by Adaria48


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Submitted on
December 13, 2010
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I am the bad girl

The one who was told
"Don't let anger control you!"
What if that's all that dwells at times?
Anger at everyone around me
Especially myself…

"Don't let yourself be a sloth!"
What if it's not that I'm lazy
But that I did this wrong
And that wrong
And just gave up

"Do not be envious of others!"
But it's so hard not to be
When you watch everyone else around you
Happy as can be, while you're still in the dark
Wishing for what they have

"Do not dabble in lust!"
What of the girl
Who feels used and is tormented
By her blackest of sins
And loss of respect for herself

"Do not become to proud!"
So is it better to feel the opposite
To have lower than low self-esteem
Wishing for the world to end
On a daily basis

"Do not be gluttonous!"
Is it better for the people
Who refuse to eat anything
Because of their distorted image
And let themselves waste away

"Do not let yourself be greedy!"
What if it's hard to control
And the desire for so much love
Until you can barely contain it
Is an unattainable need?

I am the bad girl
The one dabbling in this life
And different forms of sins
Attempting to atone for them
And finally be at peace
Finally something actually worth reading...

i just took the idea of the seven deadly sins and in a way combated them. They DO NOT all apply to me. Some do, and others are just a general view. Not much else to say hope you enjoy and feedback is always appreciated~ <3
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:iconworldwar-tori:
First of all, I love the concept of course, I'm always interested when people use the deadly sins in their work.

To me, lust and pride are the two biggest ones I recognize, and I'm sure that's my own personal being as well, so I liked how they weren't up front, but meshed in the middle, though the deadly sins aren't uncommon, I think the order you did them in gave it more depth, since I didn't focus on the sins the first way through, it was after that I recognized them all being there.

There are a few suggestions I have. The first thing I noticed in the beginning was "I am the bad girl | The one who was told..." Personally, I don't think it really needs to be there, or it seems just long. Maybe if you just put "I am the girl who was told...", it sums it up, but doesn't add that extra line at the top that seems unnecessary, mostly because it is the title, and you say it at the end.
(Unless I'm misunderstanding completely, and it's only there to actually BE the title, then ignore me)

Another thing I noticed was some of the stanzas are short, while others are long. It sort of breaks up the rhythm a little bit when I read it. Also with that I noticed the punctuation. Some of them have it, some of them don't. Questions don't have the question marks, ect. Personally, I over use punctuation marks, and some people don't use them at all. Correctly, there should be some. Not only to "make it look right," but more so because that's how we know when to pause, when the sentence or thought stops, and so on. It's when we take a breath.

Other than those few things, like I said, I really like how you laid it out and broke them up. I normally prefer rhyming poetry, but, I think the lack of rhyme adds an essence of reality to it, since we most often don't rhyme in real life.

I also like how you didn't simply blame yourself on all of them, but you accepted all of them. It adds a bit of honesty to the piece as well. The ending sums it up nicely. You cover everything in a few short sentence and bring them all together without repeating or using the 'titles' of the sins again.

Over all, it's something I think many of us can understand or apply to our own lives in some way or another. Thank you for sharing :)

:heart:
TORi

***please do not pay attention the stars, the critique is in what I wrote***
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:iconnightmarekittykat:
NightMareKittyKat Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
dude this is awesome! good job on this! :iconspazhugplz:
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011
Thank you! <3
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:iconnightmarekittykat:
NightMareKittyKat Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
yer welcome ^-^ :hug:
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner May 13, 2011
I thought it was very good and creative!:):):)
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
thank you! <3
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:iconiamonlyme2885:
IAMONLYME2885 Featured By Owner May 10, 2011
I liked it pretty good. I actualy conected to some of the lines. How you fliped the words backwards was awesome. Like ' Do not let yourself be greedy!' and 'Do not be gluttonous'.
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
Thank you! <3
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:iconiamonlyme2885:
IAMONLYME2885 Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
Your welcomes. :P
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:iconwinterdayxoxo7:
WinterDayxoxo7 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011  Student Writer
Dude, that was awesome :) lol
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011
Thank you! <3
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