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I am the bad girl

The one who was told
"Don't let anger control you!"
What if that's all that dwells at times?
Anger at everyone around me
Especially myself…

"Don't let yourself be a sloth!"
What if it's not that I'm lazy
But that I did this wrong
And that wrong
And just gave up

"Do not be envious of others!"
But it's so hard not to be
When you watch everyone else around you
Happy as can be, while you're still in the dark
Wishing for what they have

"Do not dabble in lust!"
What of the girl
Who feels used and is tormented
By her blackest of sins
And loss of respect for herself

"Do not become to proud!"
So is it better to feel the opposite
To have lower than low self-esteem
Wishing for the world to end
On a daily basis

"Do not be gluttonous!"
Is it better for the people
Who refuse to eat anything
Because of their distorted image
And let themselves waste away

"Do not let yourself be greedy!"
What if it's hard to control
And the desire for so much love
Until you can barely contain it
Is an unattainable need?

I am the bad girl
The one dabbling in this life
And different forms of sins
Attempting to atone for them
And finally be at peace
Finally something actually worth reading...

i just took the idea of the seven deadly sins and in a way combated them. They DO NOT all apply to me. Some do, and others are just a general view. Not much else to say hope you enjoy and feedback is always appreciated~ <3
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:iconworldwar-tori:
First of all, I love the concept of course, I'm always interested when people use the deadly sins in their work.

To me, lust and pride are the two biggest ones I recognize, and I'm sure that's my own personal being as well, so I liked how they weren't up front, but meshed in the middle, though the deadly sins aren't uncommon, I think the order you did them in gave it more depth, since I didn't focus on the sins the first way through, it was after that I recognized them all being there.

There are a few suggestions I have. The first thing I noticed in the beginning was "I am the bad girl | The one who was told..." Personally, I don't think it really needs to be there, or it seems just long. Maybe if you just put "I am the girl who was told...", it sums it up, but doesn't add that extra line at the top that seems unnecessary, mostly because it is the title, and you say it at the end.
(Unless I'm misunderstanding completely, and it's only there to actually BE the title, then ignore me)

Another thing I noticed was some of the stanzas are short, while others are long. It sort of breaks up the rhythm a little bit when I read it. Also with that I noticed the punctuation. Some of them have it, some of them don't. Questions don't have the question marks, ect. Personally, I over use punctuation marks, and some people don't use them at all. Correctly, there should be some. Not only to "make it look right," but more so because that's how we know when to pause, when the sentence or thought stops, and so on. It's when we take a breath.

Other than those few things, like I said, I really like how you laid it out and broke them up. I normally prefer rhyming poetry, but, I think the lack of rhyme adds an essence of reality to it, since we most often don't rhyme in real life.

I also like how you didn't simply blame yourself on all of them, but you accepted all of them. It adds a bit of honesty to the piece as well. The ending sums it up nicely. You cover everything in a few short sentence and bring them all together without repeating or using the 'titles' of the sins again.

Over all, it's something I think many of us can understand or apply to our own lives in some way or another. Thank you for sharing :)

:heart:
TORi

***please do not pay attention the stars, the critique is in what I wrote***
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:iconnightmarekittykat:
NightMareKittyKat Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
dude this is awesome! good job on this! :iconspazhugplz:
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011
Thank you! <3
Reply
:iconnightmarekittykat:
NightMareKittyKat Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
yer welcome ^-^ :hug:
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner May 13, 2011
I thought it was very good and creative!:):):)
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
thank you! <3
Reply
:iconiamonlyme2885:
IAMONLYME2885 Featured By Owner May 10, 2011
I liked it pretty good. I actualy conected to some of the lines. How you fliped the words backwards was awesome. Like ' Do not let yourself be greedy!' and 'Do not be gluttonous'.
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
Thank you! <3
Reply
:iconiamonlyme2885:
IAMONLYME2885 Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
Your welcomes. :P
Reply
:iconwinterdayxoxo7:
WinterDayxoxo7 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011  Student Writer
Dude, that was awesome :) lol
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011
Thank you! <3
Reply
:iconbetaka:
Betaka Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011
Cool. Im doing confermation and there always talking about the deadly sins. This is a new spin too it :)
Thx for the fav, btw :D
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011
Thanks! :D and no problem! <3
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:iconbetaka:
Betaka Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011
By god you are a fast reader i just wrote that o.o
Lololol yw :)
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011
Ha ha indeed I am :D
<3
Reply
:iconbetaka:
Betaka Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011
Lawl and it seems i have to thank you for a watch now too :D
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011
Ha ha not a problem (: <3
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:iconbetaka:
Betaka Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011
:D XP
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:iconsarah-the-writer:
Sarah-the-writer Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
Interesting concept! Love the idea of using the seven deadly sins...might use that in my own work one of these days. Hope to see you around my gallery or blog sometime :-)
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
Thank you very much! <3
Reply
:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2010  Professional Writer
Beautiful. <3 I love it. :D
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2010
thanks <3
Reply
:icon007balel:
007Balel Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010  Student Writer
I really like how you have done this...
The idea behind the seven deadly sins is amazing :D
Each description is in detail and just perfect !

Well done :)
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010
Thank you very much! <3
Reply
:icon007balel:
007Balel Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010  Student Writer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconavengeruchiha:
AvengerUchiha Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010   Interface Designer
I love this.
Especially the "do not let yourself be greedy" paragraph.
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Thank you very much <3
Reply
:icondaynight-darklight:
Daynight-Darklight Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
The idea behind this poem is one that I do support.. the view of sins nowadays and how many people, I can assume, can relate to this poem. No one is perfect and everyone sins at some point.

However, one thing that bothers me after reading this is the one sided view this gives off. It's not wrong to convey some negative feelings, but it feels a little overdone here. It gives me the feeling that everything is black and white.

This is still very well written, though. It's something that instantly makes you reconsider certain aspects of life. :)
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:iconrainbowroseink:
RainbowRoseINK Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
I love it!
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Thank you very much! <3
Reply
:iconthe-angry-blob:
the-angry-blob Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely enchanting. Somehow the simple words have a sense of power that consume the reader, bringing out pity for the girl.
This even reminded me a bit of myself.
Fantastic job. Well done :)
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
^^ Thank you very much <3
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:iconthe-angry-blob:
the-angry-blob Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconmcdarklydreaming:
mcdarklydreaming Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
I like how this touches on how contradicting our society is. We all have that duality whether we acknowledge it or not. Nicely done.
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
<3 thank you
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:iconmcdarklydreaming:
mcdarklydreaming Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconblood-red-ribbons:
blood-red-ribbons Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Oh this is beautiful,
So interesting, and very insightful to todays society.
Reply
:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Thank you very much! <3
Reply
:iconblood-red-ribbons:
blood-red-ribbons Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:D
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:iconanimeobsessed13:
AnimeObsessed13 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow..I really like what you have written here XD
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
thanks <3
Reply
:iconanimeobsessed13:
AnimeObsessed13 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
No prob! ;)
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:iconsixstringmatt:
SixstringMatt Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
I believe that not committing sin is the ideal - perfection. But I'm also mature enough to realise we couldn't live up to following the rules when there was only 1, much less 10 (I am a christian). I think it's about realising we cannot live up to the ideal, and just accepting forgiveness (from God and ourselves) and being as loving as we can be. But if it were still about rules, and we were capable of following them, we wouldn't ALL need to be forgiven for not being able to. I lust, I'm selfish, and lazy at times. But I can admit that, and still love myself, and so does God. It isn't about trying to be perfect. It's about admitting that we can't, and trying to be as loving as we can be, and accept His love.
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:iconvejitadmc:
Vejitadmc Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
That sure put me to thinking!
Very nice read indeed! :heart:
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
^^ Glad you like thank you! <3
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:iconvejitadmc:
Vejitadmc Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
you are welcome <3
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:iconnastie21:
nastie21 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
really entrancing
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
thank you <3
Reply
:iconmcdxv:
mcdxv Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Beautiful.... but I'm curious.... why the capitals 'DO NOT'?
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:iconpleasurelypainful:
PleasurelyPainful Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Thank you! and more for power and emphasis.
Reply
:iconstapelgekblom:
sTaPeLgEkBlOm Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
very nicely done!
read it like three times, just because i like it so much!

:fish:
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